Pretty In Pink

Negligible...

2011-07-18T17:36:00.000-07:00

Evidently my boobs weighed nothing. I weighed myself last Sunday and weighed myself again this morning and I weigh exactly the same. That's a bummer. Oh well.

Tomorrow is the big day...

2011-07-10T20:32:00.000-07:00

Well, big boob fans, tomorrow we say goodbye to two of our favorite girls. They have entertained and brought pleasure to many over the years, but it is time for them to go. No matter how pretty some things are, when they do evil, they must be punished. I saw a t-shirt online that says, "YES, they're fake! My real one's tried to kill me!" While I doubt I'll ever don such an obvious - I had breast cancer and now have fake boobs - message across my new chest, that pretty much tells the story of my adventure that begins / continues tomorrow at 5:30 a.m.

You know how, in the movie The Mummy, the inscription on the magic book says, "Death is Only the Beginning," or something like that? In my situation, my inscription has become... "Chemo is only the beginning." I thought it would all be well and good once May 6th had come and gone, but now I'm preparing for part 2. I won't even go so far as to say that this is the final part of my BC process, cuz I don't want to jinx it, but I REALLY, really hope that this is it.

Anyhow, I'm off to my last supper... Dad's burgundy beef stew (yeah baby!) and to finish watching the Giants game. The surgery will last about 6 hours, so I'll take any good thoughts and prayers all day tomorrow. I'm not picky, any time of day you want to throw one (or more) my way, I'd appreciate it.

I'll be at my parents' house for the rest of the week, but will have my laptop and phone with me. Let me know if there's anything fun going on. I hear that some people are ready to go out for easy activities a few days after surgery... and I plan on healing very, very quickly so I can get on with my summer. I won't be able to drive or lift stuff for at least a month, so if you are a fan with a car and the ability / desire to feed me peeled grapes, let me know so I can pencil you in!

By this time next year... I will be traveling through Europe, SCUBA diving in Hawaii, hiking in Mc Kinnleyville with my brother, sister-in-law, and niece, catching a movie with friends, or hanging out at my house with Kitty and Sam. I will have lovely, wonderful, perky, non-cancerous boobs, and this will all be a distant memory.

By this time six months from now... I will be thinking about how lucky I am to have made it to my cousin's house for Christmas eve dinner. Everyone will be telling me how much they missed me last year because I was recovering from surgery #1. I will have my permanent implants in and be able to sleep on my side instead of my back. I will have celebrated New Year's Eve appropriately - by dressing up, having some champagne, and getting my bootie shaking. I will be looking forward to my family vacation over winter break in Kona and wondering what SCUBA diving will be like with my new boobs.

By this time three months from now... I will be preparing for Halloween. Yes I will be one of those crazies who dresses up on a Monday for the big day. Who knows, maybe I'll be planning for a fun pre-Halloween Saturday night in San Francisco... I will be just one month past turning forty and grateful for having been able to live such a magnificent life with such caring and loyal friends.

By this time two months from now... I will be almost forty. I'm planning on celebrating on 9/10/11, and YES, that's a Saturday! I don't know what we are actually going to do or where we'll go, but it will be a super fun celebration. I will be eight weeks out of surgery. I will have started getting my tissue expanders filled with saline to gradually stretch my chest to an appropriate size. I will be uncomfortable, but well on my way to being healed. My surgery incisions will be almost healed and I will be able to raise my arms above my head and feed myself. I will be able to feed myself, sleep through the night and cuddle up with Kitty and Sampson in bed.

By this time one month from now... I will be receiving my first expander fill to stretch out my chest. I will still be weak and need assistance with a LOT of things. I'll still be limited to lifting things no heavier than a plastic cup, fork/spoon, and a paper plate. I might still be staying at my mom and dad's house, but I'll most likely be back at my house with Kitty and Sam. My mom will be doing my laundry and trying to hang up my pajama bottoms, and my dad will be making me yummy meals to keep me healthy. I will be feeling an overwhelming feeling of gratitude towards my friends and family for keeping my spirits up. I will have seen tons of movies and watched a LOT of T.V. and be well rested and optimistic about the next few weeks and the start of a new school year.

By this time two weeks from now, my drains will be long gone and I will be up and about, doing my rehab exercises, and eating nutritious foods to speed my healing.

By this time two - three days from now, I will be "home" and in my parents' care. I will be thinking positive thoughts. I will probably be in pain, but I will be focused on how things will be two weeks, two months, six months, and one year from now.

Now if I could only find my ipod charger...

I know, I know

2011-06-14T19:32:00.000-07:00

OK, OK, I know… It has been two months since my last blog update. I keep thinking about it… Then it was three weeks and I still hadn’t done any writing so it would be really long and rambling, so I didn’t write anything. Then it was five weeks and I thought, how do I make up for my five week absence, so I didn’t write anything… and so on and so forth.

After my 5^th chemotherapy, things were going fine. I met with my surgeon, Dr Bitar and had my 3-month surgery follow-up. She checked out my rack and said it looked really good. She sounded a bit more surprised that I expected when she said how good it looked. I guess she thought it would appear more concave with all the tissue she had taken out. Ummm, OK, thanks, I think. Later that week I met with Dr Santoro, my plastic surgeon and we discussed the various options for reconstruction after chemotherapy.

Let me go back a bit. In my particular case I have two routs I can take. Option one involves a lumpectomy (which I had in December) combined with radiation therapy. Option two is to do a mastectomy and reconstruction. If I do a mastectomy I can have reconstruction one of two ways - an implant under the chest muscle, or something called a TRAM flap procedure. The TRAM procedure is where they take a tummy tuck sized piece of flesh and tissue from the abdominal area and mold it into a breast and reattach it underneath the skin at the breast.

I'd really rather not do radiation because I am terrified of the long-term side effects. Even though the breast is radiated at two different angles so it misses most of the chest muscles and non-breast tissues, it still hits a part of the lung tissue and part of the heart muscle. The radiation scars the lung tissue and part of the heart muscle which, long term, can lead to all kinds of (rare) problems. I’d rather skip radiation and not have to deal with this type of damage, especially when I’m older and my body is less able to handle it.

What to do? What to do?

One of my doctors finally pointed something out to me that helped sway me towards my final decision. She pointed out that the cancer cells had found a way to grow in two separate places in my breast tissue. This small but important fact gives me a higher chance of recurrence. So I decided to do a mastectomy and reconstruction… but what TYPE of reconstruction?

When I first began thinking about reconstruction options in December, I was dead set against an implant for a couple of reasons. An implant would be a foreign object in my body, and it would look and feel different from my natural breast as gravity takes its toll.

And with the TRAM procedure, I'm worried about the seriousness of the surgery and the pain involved in recovery. I've read blogs of women who have had the implant surgery and some who have had the TRAM surgery. The TRAM surgery has me really worried about the amount of time I'll need other people to basically do everything for me. And, did I mention the time for recovery? There are just so many variables that can cause problems...

With the implant procedure, I'm worried about leakage and having to do additional surgery down the line if there were problems. I think, weighing everything together, I started considering the implant reconstruction much more seriously because it has a shorter recovery time and will be less traumatic for my body.

So, after a lot of careful consideration, I have decided to do a mastectomy with an implant.

Now, the doctor will have to do reconstruction on my right breast, too, to make it match my left breast. Now I needed to decide what to do with that. A few things weighed into my decision for my right breast. I had to consider that the cancer had found a way to grow in two separate places in my left breast, increasing my risk of recurrence. I also had to consider how stressful the chemotherapy process had been on my body. I do not want to ever do that again. I also needed to consider how I would feel with one implant on the left and not on the right, feeling lopsided, and feeling self-conscious about them being different.

So, I decided to have a bilateral (both sides) mastectomy with implants. It may seem like a drastic decision, but I know it is right for me. By removing the breast tissue from both sides it leaves me with an all but zero chance of the cancer coming back. If I don't have any tissue for the cancer to grow it, it can't, well, grow. By having both sides reconstructed with implants, they would be more similar than just having one done. I could heal all at once. And I wouldn't worry about every little bump or inconsistency in my right breast.

That's all for now. I'll write more later - there's a lot that goes into this whole breast implant procedure (for breast cancer patients, at least)... tissue expanders, drains, bleah!

Chemo #4 ? Get outta here!

2011-03-29T14:34:00.000-07:00

Went to chemo #4 last Thursday with Aunt Mary and Aunt Judy (visiting from Massachusetts, thank you very much) and it was SO... exactly the same as it has been. I had a private room again so I didn't feel too badly having my entourage with me. It was a little interesting, though... Aunt Judy tried teaching me how to crochet... As it turns out, crocheting is more of an exact science than I thought it would be. You actually have to hit ALL the little holes in order to keep the pattern looking good. You can't skip an opening and pick it up later or fix it the next time around. Not a whole lot of room for loosey goosey crocheting, here. Ah well... if I finish the scarf I started it will definitely have "character".

A quick Thank You goes out to Lois for getting me out of the house today - lunch was really nice. And, yes, even though I told you I was going to Home Depot, Staples, and Fry's afterwards... I really only made it to Home Depot. See what happened was... I accidentally walked into the nursery section and it was so sunny, and the flowers were so pretty, I just couldn't resist. Now I have $100 worth of plants and flowers in my backyard waiting to be planted... I think I brought home too many purple ones, but no biggie!

Well, I'd better get going! Carpe Diem!

I have noticed a trend...

2011-03-24T13:23:00.000-07:00

It seems that, for whatever reason... I turn into a real biz-natch the day before and the day of chemotherapy. I'm in a bad mood, everyone around me is an idiot, and my eyes get sore from rolling them after every dumb statement I hear (which is most of them). I can see and feel myself turning into a total raging wild-a-beast, but it is SO hard to maintain a pleasant outlook and refrain from saying all the nasty comments that stream into my mind.

It doesn't help that I am completely unmotivated to get anything done, so, as I survey my room and house in general, the clutter of it all makes me even more annoyed. Now, not only and I in a pissy mood, but seeing the clutter around me makes me feel frustrated, plus I have no motivation to fix it, and that lack of desire makes it even more worse!

I SEE all the stuff going on, but my body does nothing with it... leaving me annoyed and annoyed at being annoyed.

Annoying, huh!

Chemo Round 3 - Finito!

2011-03-11T10:17:00.000-08:00

Just a quick update...

Chemo #3 was on March 3rd... 11:30. It only took 4 1/2 hours (much better than the 7 1/2 hours the first time around, and 6 1/2 hours the second time). Dad hung out with me, we sipped our Starbucks, and surfed the web.

I learned how to give myself neupogin injections so I could prevent another bout of neutropenic fever. Seven days - once a day - tiny little needle, punched into my belly... It is now seven days later and I think I did a splendid job, if I do say so myself. The shots are a MUCH better option than a hospital stay.

Things are going well. I'm at my low white blood cell count stage of my third post-chemo round, so I'll be staying in for the next few days. I was super energetic the last few days so I visited a bunch of people and got a LOT of one on one time with friends I haven't seen in a long long time. Everyone seems to like my gray hat with the 1920's bow on it. Everyone says I look good, and am in good spirits, so that's a plus. Of course, I remind them that I only go out when I'm feeling well and in good spirits. Trust me, you WON'T see me on a day where I'm feeling yucky!

Anyhow, I think that's all for now. I'm looking forward to seeing Little Shop of Horrors in a week, working on a new website, an finally cleaning out my file cabinets.

Neutropenic? What the heck is neutropenic?!?

2011-02-20T21:25:00.000-08:00

I haven’t thought much about germs until recently. Well, let me clarify that… I haven’t thought negatively about germs until recently. I mean really recently. Even after my cancer diagnosis and subsequent chemotherapy treatments I have still been pretty neutral on their existence… until recently.

I’ve always been of the general philosophy that, what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger. I’ve never felt I was putting myself in danger by skipping the hand sanitizer, going over the three-second rule, or letting my cat lick some of the butter off of my toast. My dog “kisses” my face, my cat sleeps across my chest, and I wash my hands only after I use the bathroom or spill something on myself. I figured that exposing myself to germs, in small amounts and not obsessing over every little thing, would help me build a defense against those germs and, if exposed to them later, I would be less vulnerable. I don’t go dipping my hands into garbage cans and rubbing my face, but… you get what I’m saying, right? I know a lot of people think the same way. Granted, I am single, have no kids, and have free reign over most areas of my life, so I don’t NEED to worry about germy people being around, my baby for example.

As I said, though, even after my second chemotherapy treatment, I was still pretty blasé about the whole germ issue. I know, I know… They are everywhere, and I’ve been washing and sanitizing my hands more often, but not really paying 10,000% attention to everything I touch and carry.

So , as I sit in room 4353 of Kaiser hospital two and a half days after experiencing the wrath of germs and the havoc they are playing on my immune deficient body, I must humbly accept the power of things impossibly smaller than I, and their capacity to destroy me. The oncologist that visited me this morning was excited that my voice had come back above the whisper it has been the last two days. She said my white blood cell counts are improving… slowly, but as long as they are above 1500 tomorrow, I should be able to go home… tomorrow.

“What are they now?” I asked.

500.

“And what were they when I came in on Friday?”

Below 100.

“Oh.”

Long pause…

Oh.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I was admitted to the hospital on Friday, I was told I was neutropenic (new-trough-PEE-nik), that I would be on a neutropenic diet while in the hospital, and that neutropenic precautions were in place for anyone entering my “isolation” room. Anyone coming into my room must don a plastic gown, mask, and, if they are planning on touching me, gloves. I quickly surmised that being neutropenic was somehow dangerous / not a good condition to be in. So what the heck is neutropenic? (Besides being one consonant change away from describing a super phallice…) Neutropenia is a decreased number of neutrophils in a person’s blood. Neutrophils are white blood cells that help protect the body against infection by destroying bacteria. So a white blood cell (neutrophil) count below 100? Yep, I was right… bad. No wonder I became sick so quickly.

Likely cause? Um, duh… chemotherapy.

And that’s me right now. Above everything else, being a female, being 39, being a teacher, a daughter, a sister, being Madisen’s Che-Che, being a friend, a brilliant mastermind and future entrepreneur… the word that describes me is neutropenic.

I have a cartoon vision in my head, either from a Sunday TV educational spot (along the lines of Conjunction Junction or I’m Just a Bill), or a middle school health “film” about the immune system, of nutcracker-like “soldiers” marching into a tube, shrinking in size, and being injected into the human body. These soldiers were being sent in to help the body fight off an infection, a virus, or some other yucky muck that needed to be destroyed.

This vision keeps coming to mind as I lay in my little hospital bed, my IV machine clicking along next to me, delivering fluids and antibiotics to my weak, immune impaired body that I thought was SO strong and SO capable. I imagine looking into the cartoon version of my body and searching desperately for white blood cells, and only being able to find a few… hiding. So few, in fact, that they are just specks in the gigantic scheme of… me. Knowing that I need at least 1500 of those to go home… and that at one point I had fewer that 100? Not a good feeling. Not a good feeling at all.

It is now 9:30 p.m. on Sunday February 20^th and my neutrophil counts are up to 750. Feeling better… MUCH better!

Chemo #2 - over and out

2011-02-13T21:42:00.000-08:00

OK - so I had my second round of chemotherapy on Thursday (2/10)... I had one sip of my coffee before knocking it onto the ground in the parking lot. My aunt Jeannie was there with me... and my mom... and my dad... And there's only one seat in the little cubicle. So many fans, so little space. Everyone lined up to watch me do nothing and sleep.

Right now it's Sunday night and the Grammy Awards are simply not doing it fo me. I am not in a good mood, but I figure the truth is acceptable every once in a while... I felt queasy all day on Friday but slept through most of it. On Saturday I went into SF with the fam to see Alcatraz and a couple other touristy things. By halfway through the day, I knew I had already overdone it.

I slept for a LOT of today too. I ate some cereal, juice, toast, and some fantastic organic chicken noodle soup.

Queasiness is at bay, but my joints are sore. Sore sore sore sore sore. Sore sore. I wish I could just throw up and have this yucky feeling go away.

What a great day!

2011-01-25T22:47:00.000-08:00

Today was SO fabulous!

First... I woke up to find two eager beavers working on my backyard. In the last 10 hours my little yard has gone from "jungle junk yard" to "ohly oasis"! Don't worry, this was planned... I knew they were coming...

Next... I watched some morning TV with my faithful companion, Sampson, and answered some emails... checked my phone messages, etc. Of course everything on TV looks better now that I'm watching it on an HD TV (so crisp... so clear... yay!)

I left the house at 10:30, stopped by Starbucks, did a few errands... O.K. maybe this doesn't sound uber fabulous to you, but after wandering around the house in pajamas and feeling loopy for the last few days, it was exciting to be awake (and WANT to be awake) for more than a half hour at a time.

I confirmed an outing for Wednesday, talked with Cathy and made plans for Thursday, and Saturday... AND found out for sure that my Aunt Jeannie will be visiting in a couple of weeks.

I like having some fun field trips on my agenda!

I know I'm supposed to be feeling more and more tired in the next few weeks, and even though I know I MAY need to cancel some plans, it is nice to have a few things to look forward to and to feel motivated about something (again, rather than that loopiness I mentioned earlier)...

I met with my physical therapist at 2 p.m. She showed me some interesting new stretches to relieve the crazy shooting pains I've been getting in my right arm and my neck feels a LOT better now!

O.K. so here's the REALLY cool part... I got to see a whole bunch of friends from school at our association meeting at 3:30. It was great to see so many familiar faces all in one place at one time talking about school stuff. There was food and Jamba juice, too. Being in a group setting instead of planted on the couch watching TV... catching up with everyone and talking about "normal" things instead of finding out who the baby's daddy is or Oprah's secret sister... had kind of a relaxing effect on me. I'm glad I have so many good friends around me and that I was able to spend time with them today. I am rich in SO many ways.

To finish off the day (yes I've been awake this whole time... not a single nap!) I went and had an aromatherapy facial at Santana Row (a most excellent last minute decision) and got some Chinese take out - MY favorite.

So I didn't win the lottery or go sky diving, but today was a really great day. If you were one of the people I was able to be with today - thank you - you made it fun.

Now I think I'll turn in for the day... after all I have plans tomorrow!

Ding, Ding! Round 1.

2011-01-24T18:59:00.000-08:00

Thursday was a long day, but I made it through just fine - really!

Mom was at my house by 10 a.m. to help me with a few last minute things, and we left at 11 a.m. for Starbucks. (yay!) We made it right on time for my 11:30 a.m. appointment and before I knew it I was in my chair / cubby hole / station / cubicle.

I'll post more later... nap time.

Long story short, all went well. I tolerated everything well, and didn't feel any drastic side effects.

Did I mention it was a LONG day? I wasn't done until 7 p.m. Of course, I knew it was going to be that long, but - yeesh! I read my Twilight and Philosophy book, surfed online, chatted with my mom (she balanced her check book), and checked out a couple of magazines.

Today is the DAY! ("yay" and "ugh")

2011-01-20T09:22:00.000-08:00

I'm heading into Kaiser at 11:30 for my first chemotherapy treatment.

After a long talk with my Aunt in Colorado, and Lisa in Livermore, I'm feeling pretty positive about the whole thing (not that I"m NOT worried and dreading it, but I'm glad we're getting this party started). Thanks a TON to everyone (especially Susie) who has answered my questions about chemo and hair loss and wigs... and EVERYTHING.

I went into a different wig store yesterday on a whim and found a wig I really, really like... AND it isn't going to break the bank (if I decide to purchase it). I don't think I've ever had hair looking that good before. As much as I understand the idea of having a realistic wig after I lose my hair, this is (hopefully) the only time I'll be able to have such "pretty" hair. I'll let you know what I decide. Maybe the wig shop lady will let me take a picture and I can post it for your opinions.

OK - time to finish my last bit of laundry, make my bed, and pack up my gear (I'm bringing Eclipse, my Just Get Me Through This - breast cancer book, People magazine, my laptop, and Mama Mia on DVD). With all of this I'll probably end up sleeping for most of it. I tossed and turned all night last night. I was ex-HAUSTED, but no matter how much Sampson tried to get me to settle down, I really only rested my eyes a bit... very little actual sleep.

Ah well, such is life! I'm signing off for now. I'll check in again later. I hope that YOU have a great finish to YOUR week and a super weekend.

Peace, Love, and AOT (for those of you who know what AOT means)

And the winning drug combination is....

2011-01-18T00:05:00.000-08:00

OK - So it looks like I am signed up for the Chemotherapy "TCH"

What the heck does TCH mean?

That's exactly what I wanted to know!

So TCH stands for the three drugs I'll be getting.

1) Taxotere (aka Docetaxel)

Taxotere works by preventing the normal function of the microtubules of the cancer cell of the cancer cell which are important in the process of cell division.

Side effects of Taxotere include:

...Hair loss occurs in all that are given Taxotere

...Lowered blood counts ...Taxotere causes lowering of bone marrow activity where blood cells are made. It can lower the red blood cells, which results in anemia. Anemia can cause fatigue and pale coloring. It can also lower the white blood cell count causing neutropenia. Neutropenia causes the body to have weaker defenses against infection. It can also lower the platelet count (cells that prevent bleeding) causing thrombocytopenia. Thrombocytopenia can cause bruising and bleeding

...Arthralagias and Myalgias ... short periods of joint and muscle aches and pains

...Peripheral Neuropathy... irritation of the nerve fibers resulting in numbness, burning, and tingling of the fingers and toes

...Nausea (rarely)

...Diarrhea (occasionally)

...Fluid retention

...Rash

...Irritation of the veins

2) Carboplatin (paraplatin)

Carboplatin works by disturbing the normal function of DNA, the building block of chromosomes. It is an alkalyting agent.

Side effects of Carboplatin include:

...Lowered blood counts (see above)

...Nausea (well controlled by medication)

...Vomitting

...Neuropathy (see above)

...Hair loss (uncommon)

...Allergic reactions (uncommon)

3) Herceptin (Trastuzumab)

Herceptin works against the overexpression of the Her2 (human epidermal growth factor receptor 2) protein found in 25-30% of primary breast cancers. It is in the class of drugs known as monoclonal antibodies.

Side effects of Herceptin include:

... Sensitivity reactions ...possible fever, chills, nausea, headache, itching, and rash

... Cardiac side effects ...rarely causes changes in heart function

... Diarrhea ...mild to moderate after treatment

So aside from all of that stuff,

no sweat!

I have been prescribed a number of anti-nausea medications which I may use / experiment with at my leisure and include: ondansetron, prochlorperazine, and lorazepam

I'll also have the mighty drug, dexamethasone, at my disposal (to prevent allergic reactions).

Now - ENOUGH with all the big words and sh---tuff.

T minus 60 hours until I'm in the chair. Ick! But, I have my ipod, my laptop, my New Moon book, and...
my fingers crossed. Ick!

As I roll my eyes yet again, I sign off and into the night with my trusty, fluffy, nufferson, Sampson at my side. I suppose I'll be dreaming of shaved heads, naked heads, wigs, halos, and sleeping caps. It's a good thing I do not have to wake up early for work tomorrow... I have a feeling it is going to be a restless night.

Pthththttttt!

Tick Toc Tick Toc

2011-01-15T23:16:00.000-08:00

Have you ever seen that one episode of Two and Half Men? You know, that one, with the guy... and the other guy... and the thing? The one where Charley discovers he is good at writing children's songs and he does a whole children's album as Charlie Waffles? And he has to do a concert?

Well, anyhow... there's this one episode where all that stuff happens... and he makes up this one song (to the tune of Mary Had a Little Lamb) that goes, "I drink from a sippy cup, sippy cup, sippy cup, I drink from a sippy cup, cuz I'm a big kid now". Then, (to the tune of Good Night Ladies) "Bye Bye Boobies, Bye Bye Boobies, Bye Bye Boobies, cuz I'm a big kid now." I keep getting that song stuck in my head. Maybe it's the bye bye boobies part.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x-KFb192Ub0

I know I already wrote about my pathology results - I basically copied off of the paper they gave me. In a nutshell (curled up with Austin Powers) I had stage 2 cancer in one part of my left breast and stage zero cancer in another part of my left breast. The stage 2 cancer was grade three which means that, on a scale of one to four, it was capable of spreading pretty quickly. The surgeon removed a couple of key lymph nodes to see if the cancer had spread and it hadn't. So chemotherapy is scheduled to begin on Thursday January 20th.

Pathology results are in!

2011-01-04T11:41:00.000-08:00

Official Pathology Report...

Tumor #1 in breast (the one I felt)
Synoptic type: Breast carcinoma invasive
Histologic type: Ductal
Histologic Grade: Grade 3
Tumor Size: 3.0 x 2.0 x 1.5 cm
Margins: Clear (yay!)
Lymph Nodes: Negative (yay!)

Tumor#2 in breast (the pre-cancerous cells I did not feel)
Synoptic type: Breast carcinoma in situ
Histologic type: Ductal
Histologic Grade: Nuclear Grade 3
Tumor Size: 1.4 x 0.5 cm - flat
Margins: Clear (yay!)
Lymph Nodes: Negative (yay!)

Lymph Nodes (left axillary, sentinal node biopsy)
No evidence of tumor (super yay!)

Permission granted to remove clear bandages covering wounds.
Permission granted to wear underwire bras (if I so desire).
Permission granted to drive (as long as I am not taking pain medicine).
Permission granted to rest as often as desired (yes!)

Permission denied to perform moderate to heavy lifting (handling of t.v. remote control OK'd)
Permission denied to perform moderate to heavy lifting (no vacuuming, dusting or cleaning of any kind - at least that's how I interpret that one)
Permission denied to perform rigorous exercise (ha ha, like that would have happened anyway)

Besides two minor meltdowns last weekend, thanks to a wonderful family and a super supportive roommate, all else is well. I slept almost all day Saturday thanks to a new Rx for Flexerall (a muscle relaxant), and actually got all of my Health Ed. grading done on Sunday.

Monday was my first day back at school. I had my Health Ed class in the morning, a break, lunch, then one P.E. class. It was a pretty mellow day, but I was pooped by the time I finished with my doctor's appointment at 3:30. I went home and collapsed on the couch. Sampson kept me company and made sure I didn't fall off the couch - what a great guy!

Tuesday (today) is proving to be significantly more difficult for me. Despite getting a full 10 hours of sleep, I feel like I'm on "half-power." I don't know if I'm groggy because I've been able to sleep whenever and wherever I've wanted to over the past two weeks (despite the surgery), or if the grogginess IS due to the surgery. I think I'll take a nap during lunch and see.

Looking forward to...
my 4:30 Oncology appointment tomorrow with Dr Song,
hanging out in my super clean house,
having Kitty, the dog, back at my house to keep me warm, and
sleeping sleeping, sleeping the afternoon and night away!

Happy Monday!

2010-12-27T19:13:00.000-08:00

I was talking with my dad yesterday afternoon about my plans to return to work. He seemed worried that I was going to start working the first day back. I assured him I would be fine. It was another couple of minutes into our debate about whether or not going back to work so soon was a good idea before I figured out that he thought the first day back was going to be today - not NEXT Monday. No wonder he was concerned!

The last two days have been great. I went on a short field trip to the San Jose TECH museum to see the Body Works exhibit yesterday with Jennifer, Seanpaul, and Madisen. We went in the evening and it was nice and quiet. After a couple of hours being upright, though, I was ready to go home.

Today, Kitty and I went on a nice long walk in the morning. I finally had a chance to catch up with some friends who have left me wonderful messages over the last few days. Later, I went out to get a few errands done. My mom chauffeured and it was nice to feel productive for a while. Don't get me wrong, I'm a huge fan of sitting around and watching T.V., napping, and snacking, but getting out of the house was great! Right now I'm hanging at my parent's house... I hear we're going to watch Mamma Mia tonight!

Overall things are going well... I guess I thought it was going to be a lot worse than it is. I had visions of me laying in bed, unable to move either of my arms, not being able to eat, and having a gaping hole where the surgery had been done. First, the stitches for my lymph node dissection are not directly underneath my armpit (where I thought they were going to be). They are lower and closer to my rib cage, so, where I thought I would have a lot of problems with my arm rubbing against the stitches, there isn't anything going on. I can move my left arm a lot more easily than I thought I'd be able to. Second, the place where the surgeon put my "port" for chemotherapy is in a pretty comfortable spot and it is healing well. The port is close to the top of my skin... it didn't go underneath any muscle tissue, so it's cool. And third, the tumor part... even that is healing and feeling better more quickly than I anticipated. The incision is pretty big and I won't be able to wear any revealing or plunging necklines any time soon... and I've NEVER seen so many different colors of purple bruising all in one place (and covering so MUCH of my body) as I do now. So, while it's not a pretty sight, I have absolutely NO complaints.

I would like to thank a few key players in my success thus far. I mean, of course it is an honor simply to be nominated, but I am extremely fortunate to be able to thank my support staff and fans in such a public manner. First, to my surgeon, Dr Bitar - she has been just lovely from the start. Her hugs have been warm, friendly, and marvelous. Next, I would like to send some love out to my anesthesiologist. She was warm and caring and attentive the whole time I was awake. She did a brilliant job putting me under and a stupendous job keeping me asleep when I needed to be asleep and getting me awake once everything was finished.

Thank you, Jennifer, for staying with me pre-surgery, keeping me occupied with thoughts of Feng Shui-ing your house, keeping my parents and family informed of my progress, and for holding out for coffee until I was in surgery. Thank you to Mom for meeting me after the surgery and getting things in order for my stay at your house. Thank you for getting (what you thought were) all the foods I asked for and for making sure my dog was well taken care of. Thank you to Dad for keeping in touch with Jennifer and for checking in with me - exactly how I wanted and expected you to. And a big, warm, thank you to my 7 and three quarters-of-a-year old niece, Maddie, for bringing me ice packs, and water, and pillows, and checking in on me, and drawing me get well cards, and cuddling next to me in my bed to watch movies while I slept. You were a wonderful nurse!

Thank you to Che-Che Jeannie, Aunt Joyce, Kristina, Kris, Alicia, and Lisa for checking in on me and our great talks. Thank you to everyone who sent an email, left a message, or added a message for me on facebook... It has helped a ton knowing there are so many people out there thinking good thoughts for me. There are many more people I would like to thank, but it looks like my time is up. I love you all and will be seeing you soon!

Home, Kitty in Lap, Classic 90210 On

2010-12-23T16:45:00.000-08:00

Christine is feeling okay - really. But her typing skills are slightly impaired, so her awesome sister-in-law, me - Jennifer- gets to report.

The surgery went well. The good news is that the lymph nodes under armpit tested negative. The tumors were successfully removed. Phase 1 over, time to rest and prepare for Phase 2.

Thanks for all the well-wishes and prayers. Keep them coming as the months ahead will be tedious, but we all know Christine is up to any challenge.

Nervous. Angry. Relieved... Thirsty!

2010-12-23T07:42:00.001-08:00

Here we go!

2010-12-23T07:38:00.001-08:00

Is it December 21st already?

2010-12-21T23:11:00.000-08:00

Tuesday, December 21st...

Had my MRI done this morning. No one told me about the line they needed to put into my arm so they could inject contrast dye half way through. I don't like these types of surprises. I was really wishing someone was with me to hold my hand. It was supposed to be "just" an easy MRI... ear plugs in, hold still, no deep breaths - I've got this. But now you tell me I need a needle in my arm? Oy.

After wards I met up with Jennifer and we did errands (yay, something normal). We went to Whole Foods, Aaron Brothers, Old Navy, Red Robin, and arrived at my pre-op appointment right on time.

3:30 Pre-op appointment

OK, so... I will be injected with a radioactive liquid tomorrow at 3pm. No, I won't have super human strength... nor will I glow in the dark (bummer, both of those would have been kind of cool)... The liquid is injected so the surgeon can locate my sentinal lymph node more easily. This is the first thing she will remove. It will be tested by a pathologist while the surgeon is doing the rest of her work. If the pathologist finds cancer cells in that one lymph node, then the surgeon will proceed further and remove the rest of the lymph nodes around my left arm pit area. If the pathologist does NOT find cancer cells (hold your breath and keep your fingers crossed), then I'm good to go. Well, I'm good to get stitched up, taken home, and loaded up with Vicodin at least.

I still have SO much to do tomorrow! I can hardly believe it is already "time". At least I can use this to get out of seeing that Yogi Bear movie. But if you're interested in going to see The Fighter, Black Swan, or the King's Speech I KNOW I can rally for any or all those.

Looks like I'm going to miss a lot of work during chemotherapy. That was a big "revelation" for me today. I guess it will be better to stay away from those germ infested adolescent teenagers while my immune system is thrashed by chemotherapy. Ugh. I know I complain about my job and some of the wild things students do, but ugh... ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh... ugh.

Tomorrow, Wednesday, December 22nd

This will be a good time to finish dusting, buy a new plant for my bedroom, do the last little tiny bit of cleaning I need to do, and have a large helping of leftovers for lunch (and probably dinner). Plus, I know there's an apple pie (from Whole Foods, thank you very much, Jennifer Berube) in the kitchen and ice cream in the freezer. Yummy yum yum yum!

Now where did I leave off...

2010-12-21T00:22:00.000-08:00

Saturday, December 10th

I have SO much to do! I guess the plan to go up to Arcata to do Christmas with Seanpaul, Jennifer, and Madisen needs to be changed.

Sunday, December 11th

Met mom and dad at the Polish church... did errands... cam back to the church for the Wigelia (Polish Christmas dinner)... pretty fun (same food & entertainment) and the woman who reminds me of my Che-Che Jean was there...

Monday, December 12th

It's an "A" day - 3 P.E. classes. This means that the week will end on an "A" day, too. Great... I get to finish off the year with my 3rd period students. At least I won't have them the first day back in January. Can't they just do the surgery today and get it over with?

Meeting after school went until about 5 p.m.

5:30 p.m. appointment at Michael's to get my hair cut. I may as well get it out of my face now and take the adjustment form hair to no hair gradually.

I've asked all of my different doctors about the chances of my losing my hair during chemotherapy and every single one of them has given me this guilty type of look as if to say, "I wish it weren't true, but..." This look, coupled with a tilted head nod makes me both annoyed and sad. I would like to think that I'll be one of the few who doesn't lose her hair, but I'd rather focus my energy elsewhere. With the type of chemotherapy and hormone therapy I'll need after the surgery, it's a given.

My hair was looking pretty shaggy anyway. It's now a short little Meg Ryan / Reese Witherspoon in Sweet Home Alabama cut... I think I'll need one or two more haircuts to transition into something like the Emma Watson pixie cut right around February.

Michael is great. Getting my haircut shorter isn't as fun as it has been in the past, though. Today it is just one more thing to check off of my list of things to do. I see a chart with opportunities to earn gold stars in my future.

Tuesday, December 13th

Went to teacher's association meeting today after school. Told Lois, Fran, and Vince. I guess I spilled the news too abruptly this time and took them off guard. I'll need to be more careful from now on.

Wednesday, December 14th

FINALLY told my friends about my diagnosis. During lunch I blurted out, "OK so I need to tell you guys something." Someone said, "You're pregnant." Ha ha, nope. It's worse.

I was more cautious this time and went with my rehearsed statement, "I've been diagnosed with a type of breast cancer that requires surgery over the winter break and chemotherapy starting about a month after that." I looked around and saw their faces staring back at me... concerned, shocked, stunned. I felt my heart drop for the first time since I found out my diagnosis over the phone last week. Telling this particular group makes this whole thing MUCH more real. Oh crap - this really IS happening.

Oh crap.

From my journal thus far...

2010-12-17T23:05:00.000-08:00

12/1 - Wednesday
So I have this bump... at about 10 o'clock... on my left breast. I went my OB/GYN last today and she ordered an ultrasound and "possibly" a mammogram. I've heard about these mammogram things - pain, pinching, smooshing, squooshing - nothing about this mammogram thing sounds fun.

12/2 - Thursday
Ultrasound? Check. Looks like there were three spots the tech noticed that looked abnormal. THREE? But I thought there was just the one... ugh, great! And, sure as sugar (where does this saying come from? what is so sure about sugar?), they wanted to do a mammogram. I think the "mammographer" took an image of my boob from each angle 0, 45, 90, 180, looking down from the top, looking from the side, looking up from underneath... ouch. To her credit, she was quick and efficient. She let me know when to hold my breath, when to lean forward, etc. I am already grateful for the technology available to me. The machine that did all this stuff is pretty impressive.

Well, it looks like the results from the mammograms show I need to get a biopsy done in each of the three spots. I have the weekend for my boob to recover from the mammogram before they start poking around again. One of the spots they want to biopsy is in my arm pit. I don't know what that means, but it doesn't sound promising.

12/6 Monday

O.K. So the biopsies... The first one was a Stereotactic Needle Biopsy. I won't go into ALL the details, but... basically I had to lay face down on a table with an opening for my, well, you know. They used a mammogram type thing to immobilize the area so a computer could plot exactly where to take the biopsy. There were between two and four nurses/technicians in the room at any one time. Each time they had to do a mammogram reading they all ducked behind a heavy screen. Once the computer had all my coordinates planned, the doctor came in and did a bunch of biopsies. I found out later that these biopsies were done on calcifications that looked pre-cancerous.

The second and third set of biopsies were done using an ultrasound. These were worse because, unlike the first one where I was all smooshed up and uncomfortable before they injected the local anesthesia, I was NOT already uncomfortable, so the needles seemed to move more slowly and really, really hurt. The needles in the arm pit, ugh.

When I left I was told (by wonderful Dr. House) that she should have the biopsy results by Friday, and if they came in sooner she would call me. I kept hoping they would come back sooner, rather than later. I didn't have a good feeling about all of this.

12/6 Tuesday
Third period - P.E. - out on the back field... students playing soccer... Dr House called... with results.

The suspected pre-cancerous cells? Pre-cancerous cells.
The suspected cancer (in the lump I felt)? Cancer.
The bump in my arm pit? No cancer.

So I planned to attend the "Breast Cancer Orientation" clinic on Wednesday.

Shared the news with mom, dad, and Jennifer right after I found out. Shared the news with Kari, after school.

Dinner with mom & dad. Planned on meeting mom at the orientation.

12/7 Wednesday
2:30 Video Introduction. There is one other woman, named Bernadette, there with her husband.
3:30 Met with the oncologist... My tests show I have INVASIVE DUCTAL CARCINOMA (a tumor the size of a Jolly Rancher) in my breast and IN SITU or NONINVASIVE CANCER (precancerous cells) in that second location.
4:15 Met with the surgeon... She needs to remove the tumor and the precancerous cells. The total amount of tissue she needs to remove is about the size of an orange.
5:00 Met with the radiologist.
5:45 Met with Breast Care Coordinator.
6:15 Met with oncologist again... Another test has come in. I will definitely need chemotherapy AND hormone therapy. She told me that I'll need to take a hormone blocker called TAMOXIFEN because my cancer is "sensitive" to my natural hormones.
6:30 Met with surgeon again and scheduled a LUMPECTOMY and a SENTINAL LYMPH NODE BIOPSY (I think she also called it an AXILLARY NODE DISSECTION) for December 23rd. If the pathologist finds cancer cells in the sample lymph nodes, then the surgeon will go ahead and remove all of the lymph nodes in my arm pit as a part of the surgery.
7:30 Home... and straight to bed.

12/8 Thursday
3:30 Met with plastic surgeon... Although he is really motivated and enthusiastic and positive about reconstructive surgery, he confuses the hell out of me. He said he could try to arrange things so he could be in the operating room to do the reconstruction the same day as the lumpectomy. This is all so much so fast. How am I supposed to decide now about what I want to do with my boob? It's been 48... maybe 50 hours since I've known my diagnosis and all I know for sure is I want this crap out of my body - now.
5:00 My oncologist is still at the hospital, so I go and talk with her about what the plastic surgeon has told me. She tells me about a clinical trial I can take part in, but it would mean doing chemo first and then surgery in about 4 months. It is designed for patients with my specific (hormone therapy needed) cancer. Like I decided yesterday, I want this junk out of me NOW.
My mom and I leave the hospital at 7:00 with a tentative plan...
Lumpectomy on 12/23, five rounds of chemotherapy and possible radiation therapy, then reconstructive surgery last.

12/9 - Friday
Meet with Dr House. Lots of questions. Am I, for sure, scheduled for surgery on 12/23? Should I try and do the reconstructive surgery the same day as the lumpectomy? If the amount of tissue that needs to be removed is the size of an orange already, then should I do the mastectomy instead? Etc.

Met with surgery scheduler. Yes, I am all set for 12/23. I am scheduled for a lumpectomy, but if I change my mind and want to do the mastectomy instead, I can still have that done... The mastectomy actually takes less time.

The surgery scheduler finds my surgeon and has her come in and answer my questions about lump- versus mast-ectomies. She gives me enough information for me to stay with my lumpectomy decision. She is awesome. I already love her.